eliot smith

What is it about misery that makes one so nostalgic? It's a sinking feeling in remembrance of other sinking feelings..I had been listening to some music doing schoolwork when I heard through the ceiling a neighbor playing Eliot Smith and I stopped cold..haven't heard it for probably a year, I think, and the familiar sinking feeling (Eliot Smith is a sort of talisman of that time; I couldn't stop playing those two albums over and over). Why do I almost wish for a time of such thick sadness? Is it wishing? Is it remembering? Is it craving the familiarity of what I felt how I lived for so many years?

I've been emotionally stable now for quite a while and it's wonderful and (for a while) new and do I actually miss those extremes? Am I idealizing pain or those circumstances? Am I paying reverence to past time? I'm sure if I was back there I would want to be here..and I don't want to be there, it's just this heartsinking feeling I have when I'm reminded I don't know quite what to do with. So strong, even my body literally sinks energy drains I almost feel I might end up a globby clump of un-person on the wood floor. And I lose 1/2 hour of my homework time ruminating and writing this.

Maybe it's craving the intensity? Do I feel less potent because I'm stable, even happy? Am I crazy? Obviously it's livable, I'm reminded rarely..maybe it's strong enough when it hits to fill a need, to keep me in balance.. ? Swimming, in my head, the way it seems the future swims in hers.. Confused