On creativity

This guy has text in his piece in a concert in which I'm dancing this weekend about not wanting to create or add to or omit from or change anything but that he knew it was inevitable that he would create and add and omit and change things. And the whole time he kept fucking dancing around like crazy, just moving every which way and none of it had to do with anything else and clearly he had CREATED this whole construct and I thought,

"You know, I think I'm really just more interested in destruction."

I'm pretty sure I really hate dance.

Puppy Middle-Age

So, my little girl is growing up. Yeah, I know, this February she'll be 35 in dog years, but still. She's starting to act like a real dog.

-she has begun treeing squirrels at the park, which is pretty hilarious because with their tails fluffed out they're as big as she is. And what with all the leaves fallen from the trees, it's a feat for her to run in fallen leaves almost as tall as she is. Very laughable, but mature and dog-like.

-she has also begun marking, which I've never seen her do before. By that I mean sqeezing out a few drops of pee near where some other dog's smells are, to assert her presence when that or other dogs pass by. I wanted to say assert her authority, but who the fuck am I kidding? If she met other big dogs she would just turn over on her back. The only creature over which she has authority is me.

-she's gotten territorial about her Zoe-blanket (so called because it's made of fleece picturing Zoe from Sesame Street, thank you KatieB). It's pretty cute when she growls at her sister-dog, a pit bull-boxer mix, who has no interest in the blanket but just wants to say hi, for coming too close to the blanket. And goofy when the other dog backs away, because she's not fucking with that shit, even though she could eat Lily in two bites if she wanted to. She knows Lily means business.

-she's kind of humpy now, which I never knew her to be before her move to the big city. Before she would hump her cousin-dog (but only the girl cousin) a little bit, but it was just kind of part of their play. Now she wants to hump on my leg fairly regularly. What is this about? Did my hormones change in the year we were apart? Is there something in the air in Brooklyn? It's irritating, as she's persistent.

-she has these tiny intermittent groups of 3 or 4 or 5 grey hairs on her back and her head, and her little chin is frosting. It's really goddamned cute. My favorite is a lone grey hair on the nape of her neck, right below where her collar sits. Absurd.

I don't know. I realize I'm preoccupied with a canine but I don't have all that much human contact right now. Also she may be sassy but she's the sweetest dog ever.

Psychopharmacology, or, The Season of Altered States

This is probably a first installment, or something like that.

So this past week I realized that I've been more or less dissociative for pretty much the past two months. It was warm there, and quiet, when I was really far away. Alternatively I was hypersensitive to light, sound, images, odors, crowds (and I'm generally get easily overwhelmed anyhow, so you can imagine). I would already feel beat up by the time I got to work, just from surviving the commute, and would have to completely shut down to all incoming information for as much as half the day in order to recover and stay functional. I kept thinking to myself (in the Princess-Leia-dressed-as-bounty-hunter voice), "You are suffering from overstimulation sickness."

I don't know how much of it's due to the medication switch. Most is probably safe to say, though it wasn't unheard of before, it was just more stress-related. The past two months it's been everything-related. Wakefulness-related. Now I'm having trouble remembering why we tried to switch my meds anyhow. Then when I realized how not okay this new one was (in my haze it took what feels like a ridiculously long time) I switched back to the old one, but at a significantly higher dose, and the switch was way too fast, and it got worse for a couple of days - I was completely fucking checked out and passing out on buses and things. I went to the music store to look for two specific things and once I got there I couldn't for the life of me remember what they were. Came home with two totally other things that I didn't really need to spend money on just now. It's a good thing I had already done my Trader Joe's shopping once (the first time I was almost through line and the fire alarm went off - it was kind of devastating) or I have no idea what would've ended up in my basket.

As the transition is working itself out in my body I feel somewhat clearer each day, and in a significantly better mood. I know there's something to be said about a gift horse's mouth but it makes me wonder WHO THE FUCK IS ME IN ALL THIS MESS OF CHEMICALS. Do I even have a personality? Do I have non-chemically-induced moods? Do I even exist?

Radio Silent

I suppose it's something to say that I honestly considered spending my lunch break today crouched in a ball under my desk. Something to say, but still true.

It's also something to say that I shouldn't blog because it probably makes whoever reads it really unhappy. and it's also not at all funny. Fuck expressiveness.

I wonder if you could core a person the way you core an apple. Not long-wise, but sagittally a big round part of the chest. Sort of like what it looked like when the Terminator got shot, but before he regenerated himself. I would like to do that because it's so fucking heavy, my chest is so tight and stuck and it makes me feel like vomiting. I need some lightness and air down in there.

Because "if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out." But can you do that with personalities? I'm very very offended by myself.

[literary reference to the bible, or some other scripture I'm not sure]

#4

I'm in all these earthen-type colors today and my
triceps are sore
With what kind of creature did I battle in my sleep?
Was it the Great Boyg?
Go round, Peer Gynt.
I don't want to go round. what are you?
Go round.

stayed a little open until that guy looked at me in that way a stranger no reason
then i closed no more open for today
withdraw withdraw a little more every moment

"'I am beautiful,' he said, 'but imperfect.
I have lost my past.'"

(or was it, "'I have no past'"? I can't remember)

I don't want to go round.

[literary references to Ibsen and IPJ]