Psychopharmacology, or, The Season of Altered States

This is probably a first installment, or something like that.

So this past week I realized that I've been more or less dissociative for pretty much the past two months. It was warm there, and quiet, when I was really far away. Alternatively I was hypersensitive to light, sound, images, odors, crowds (and I'm generally get easily overwhelmed anyhow, so you can imagine). I would already feel beat up by the time I got to work, just from surviving the commute, and would have to completely shut down to all incoming information for as much as half the day in order to recover and stay functional. I kept thinking to myself (in the Princess-Leia-dressed-as-bounty-hunter voice), "You are suffering from overstimulation sickness."

I don't know how much of it's due to the medication switch. Most is probably safe to say, though it wasn't unheard of before, it was just more stress-related. The past two months it's been everything-related. Wakefulness-related. Now I'm having trouble remembering why we tried to switch my meds anyhow. Then when I realized how not okay this new one was (in my haze it took what feels like a ridiculously long time) I switched back to the old one, but at a significantly higher dose, and the switch was way too fast, and it got worse for a couple of days - I was completely fucking checked out and passing out on buses and things. I went to the music store to look for two specific things and once I got there I couldn't for the life of me remember what they were. Came home with two totally other things that I didn't really need to spend money on just now. It's a good thing I had already done my Trader Joe's shopping once (the first time I was almost through line and the fire alarm went off - it was kind of devastating) or I have no idea what would've ended up in my basket.

As the transition is working itself out in my body I feel somewhat clearer each day, and in a significantly better mood. I know there's something to be said about a gift horse's mouth but it makes me wonder WHO THE FUCK IS ME IN ALL THIS MESS OF CHEMICALS. Do I even have a personality? Do I have non-chemically-induced moods? Do I even exist?