eliot smith

What is it about misery that makes one so nostalgic? It's a sinking feeling in remembrance of other sinking feelings..I had been listening to some music doing schoolwork when I heard through the ceiling a neighbor playing Eliot Smith and I stopped cold..haven't heard it for probably a year, I think, and the familiar sinking feeling (Eliot Smith is a sort of talisman of that time; I couldn't stop playing those two albums over and over). Why do I almost wish for a time of such thick sadness? Is it wishing? Is it remembering? Is it craving the familiarity of what I felt how I lived for so many years?

I've been emotionally stable now for quite a while and it's wonderful and (for a while) new and do I actually miss those extremes? Am I idealizing pain or those circumstances? Am I paying reverence to past time? I'm sure if I was back there I would want to be here..and I don't want to be there, it's just this heartsinking feeling I have when I'm reminded I don't know quite what to do with. So strong, even my body literally sinks energy drains I almost feel I might end up a globby clump of un-person on the wood floor. And I lose 1/2 hour of my homework time ruminating and writing this.

Maybe it's craving the intensity? Do I feel less potent because I'm stable, even happy? Am I crazy? Obviously it's livable, I'm reminded rarely..maybe it's strong enough when it hits to fill a need, to keep me in balance.. ? Swimming, in my head, the way it seems the future swims in hers.. Confused

Well, did anybody else cry through the damn season finale of Grey's Anatomy this week? Embarrassing but true. And yes, the pair mentioned below enjoyed a very fulfilling, if not too surprising, kiss at the end of the show.

I enjoyed it but I'm suspicious of the writers' motivations. Everybody just wants money, everybody. Even me.

By the way, Lilybug is down to a svelte 11.5 pounds... my betrothed says it's because she's not allowed in the kitchen anymore. I think it's because of our excellent disciplinary skills and ignoring when she acts like she's starving...well, one or the other.

Oh yeah, I guess I should clarify. I have a betrothed now, I'm getting hitched.

Speaking of...

Ha ha, when I got the comment on my last post I laughed, but this week on
Grey's Anatomy, there WAS lesbian intrigue, though not exactly the way she predicted. I don't know the character names, but the intrigue was between Brooke Smith and Sara Ramirez! (see 4th picture) It has all been denied so far, just innuendo followed by terror, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna end up happening. And I think they make a beautiful couple. (Well, they ARE on tv, so they better be beautiful.)

or else it gets the hose again

Dude. Did anybody notice that the woman who played the victim who gets saved at the end of silence of the lambs is now playing an assholey surgeon on grey's anatomy?

Sketch. I can't not think of her in that role.

Prrreeeciouussssss..........

Let's talk about THIS

Things of which I'm tired:

-The Tyra Banks show. I keep watching it because it's better than the judge shows
-The several hours of judge shows on network tv. Didn't mind them for a couple of days, but after the same 3 or 4 stories about 25 times, I realized how depressing they are. Why are there so many? Where is this demand coming from?
-Vocational school commercials. Yes I KNOW a medical assistant makes more money than I do, especially since I'm unemployed. But for the love of god, I'm trying to be a vet, which will make more money than all of those because it requires more freaking EDUCATION so please, give me a break.
-TV in general
-Cover letters
-Resumes

-Job ads. I love you Chicago Reader but if I have to see that green and yellow one more time I swear I might throw up.





-Fucking job application forms
-Personality profiles (they only do those in job applications for big dumb corporationss like caribou coffee and petco and ... yes, I've stooped that low. I was rejected by whole foods and I don't even BELIEVE in whole foods!) [read: I don't even BELIEVE in jebus!]

Anyhow I've been here about 4.5 weeks and only had 1 week of work and I'm starting to get freaked out (and please don't think I'm not trying; I'm registered with - count them - 6 temp agencies not to mention the normal jobs I've applied for). I don't know what else to say.

I miss my NYC friends, more than I anticipated. I miss you friends. I hope things are great. I'm having a tough time (but to be fair, other than money things have gone incredibly smoothly). Please pray to whomever or yourself that I'll get some steady work soon. I'm even praying: "Dear whomever or me, please let me get some steady work soon. Okay done."

And then there were four

This is what they look like. They are the spice boys. Because they are spice finches. (again, thank you bird picture taker dude.) C (another roomie, not the Catholic) and I agreed they are probably Sporty Spice and Posh Spice. They're in their own cage because spice finches don't like society & zebra finches. I don't know why he brought them home. He doesn't think too much.

I wanted to name them Rudy and Tig but the Catholic's girlfried didn't thing that was cute enough or something. I think she named them Falcor and Chesty. (one of them has fewer of those bright feathers on his chest, I think that's Chesty but I can't even remember.)

But our Lucky boy is the alpha finch. We chose well with him. It's pretty fucking awesome; you can tell he's a badass from looking in his eyes. Though he loves his Joey boy too, he's taught him everything he knows. Already one of the spice boys doesn't look so good. I kind of think he might die. The Catholic doesn't usually cover their cages at night and the apartment sometimes gets below 50 degrees in the common space, with all of us shut up in our bedrooms keeping warm. That's a pretty shitty thing to do to birds. Yeah I know, he's busy with an unwanted baby and unwanted marriage on the way, but what the fuck. That doesn't mean the birds should suffer.

I'm being a little harsh, maybe. I suppose I'm sick of hearing about unwanted babies that are still being born lately. If anybody wondered, I am pro-choice. I'd go so far as to say I'm actually pro-abortion. That's nice happy end to the birdblog, eh?

Lucky Boy

He is quite a beauty and his song is really different from Joey's. He is also the alpha male, but it's fun to watch Joey halfheartedly try to compete. They're a great pair and they love to snuggle; in fact, Lucky likes to sort of lean on Joey so you only one of his legs is on the perch. They are fast friends and maybe lovers.

It's sad to feel like Lulu has been replaced. And she hasn't, but since Lucky is more lively than she was in her last few weeks, the Catholic and I, not to mention Joey, have been having a really good time with him.

Note for later: anthropomorphization of animals and their habits + queerness + the reality of gender schema in animal communities. Or rather, animal societies (better, ipj?)

Anyway. He's a love.